Marie and Clotile, two "senior" Cajun widows, are talking one day out on the porch down by the bayou.
Marie: "Dat nice Mr. Hebert axed me out for a date. I know you went out wit him last week, and I wanted to talk wit you about him before I tell him my answer."
Clotile: "Well, I tell you. Hebert him, he showed up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And . . . he brung me such beautimous flowers mon cher! Den, he takes me downstairs, and what's dere but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Den, he takes me out for dinner . . . a marvelous dinner - crabs, Jax beer, lemon pie dessert, and after-dinner Jagermeister shots. Den, we go see a show. Let me tell you Marie, I enjoyed it so much, I could have just died from all da pleasure!"
"But den, we are coming back to my apartment and . . . Hebert him, he turns into a ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and well . . . he has his way wit me . . . TWICE !!!"
Marie: "Oh my goodness! So . . . you telling me dat I should not go out wit him?"
Clotile: "Oh no, no, no Marie . . . I'm just saying . . . you needs to wear an old dress cher!"
After they had been married for about twenty years, Marie woke up in the middle of the night and noticed that Boudreaux wasn't in bed. She got up and went looking for him. She finally found Boudreaux sitting on the front porch, crying like a baby.
She asked him, "Boudreaux, what's wrong mon cher?"
He asks her, "You remember twenty years ago, when we was foolin' around and got caught? Your Poppa, he den told me I had to either marry you or go to jail?"
Marie says, "Well sure I remembers dat, but what dat gots to do wit you crying like a baby right now?"
Boudreaux, bawling his eyes out, says, "Mais, today is da day I woulda got out of jail me!"
"Tee" Boudreaux came home from school with his report card last week with all F's on it. Boudreaux & Marie were, of course, pretty upset.
"Tee" told them, "But almost everybody in class made bad grades, not jus' me!"
Marie asks, "Well, what about Danny, down da road? He had all A's and B's!"
"Tee" replied, "Yea, but his parents are smart !!!"
Boudreaux went to the doctor's office the other day, and told da Doc, "I don't know what's wrong wit me. I'm always tired, I have dese headaches, and I can't sleeps at night."
The doctor tells Boudreaux, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be all the drinking."
Boudreaux says, "Mais, I'll tell you what Doc. I'll come back when you sobers up !!!"
The following are actual church bulletin board "bloopers" found in churches across the United States:
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.